i don't know

this is a bit of an unusual blog post, it's basically just raw unfiltered 2am thoughts, so don't treat everything in here as fact, this is just me musing about the way my own brain works.

sometimes, the hardest answer to a question is "i don't know".

usually this answer comes up in really mundane conversation, like wondering how the paper you were sure you left in one place had somehow ended up on the floor, or seeing some word from a topic you don't follow (for me, this could be something like hearing the name of something in psychology, rather than the field i know most about, computers). these aren't the times that this answer is particularly scary (apart from maybe when it's something in a topic you have some familiarity with), this answer becomes much scarier when you're asking something about yourself.

this first came to mind thinking about the time i spent several years ago when questioning my gender identity, the scariest times was when i was unsure of who i was; the answer to the question "am i trans?" wasn't just a yes or no, being unsure was the hardest part. it's not just that the answer isn't clear that makes it scary, but also not knowing how to find an answer, or the people you could ask, what you would ask them, where else you can turn to try and find some resolution. these are the scariest "i don't know"s, the ones that can settle deep in your mind and keep coming back time and again until you find something or someone that helps you work it out.

this doesn't just apply to things like self identity, though i most of the examples i have are related to being queer in some way. it can be about relationships (how do i know if i have a crush on them? what does that even mean or feel like?), future plans (what am i going to do after uni? where would i want to live?) or even just simple day to day things (do i want to go to this thing tonight? do i want to spend time with that person today?).

"i don't know" feels to me like a response that your brain gives to things it doesn't want to confront, because it don't feel like it knows how to, or it's afraid of what it thinks the answer could be, and i think that's the reason giving this answer can feel so scary.